Here are a few of the lost pages recently discovered from the original, albeit rejected, manuscript for The Ten Commandments.
FAde In:
“Exodus 19”
ext. wilderness - day
Moses and Israelites approaching Mount Sinai.
Israelite 1
(Whining)
Are we there yet?
Israelite 2
(rubbing his foot)
Yeah, I’m with him. My dogs are barkin’!
Moses
Alright, alright. Let’s camp by this Mountain.
Murmurs of approval from exhausted Israelites.
Without a word, Moses turns and walks up the mountain.
Israelite 1
Well now, where’s he off to?
Israelite 2
(shrugs)
Even prophets have to use the loo.
later – mountain base
Moses returns to the outskirts of camp.
Israelite 2
Oh good, you’re back. You can help pitch the tent.
Moses
Nay, for I have spaketh with the Lord and must talk to the Elders.
Israelite 1
The Elders? What do you want to talk to them for? They’re dreadfully cantankerous.
israelite 2
And old.
israelite 1
Most are quite hard of hearing.
israelite 2
Almost ancient really.
israelite 1
As likely to forget what you told ‘em as not.
israelite #2
Prehistoric. Quite literally. Many of them actually predate history, I’m sure of it.
israelite 1
So why don’t you just tell us what you’d like to tell them, and we’ll share with them any important bits.
moses
Just fetch the Elders!
israelite 1
Okay, okay – no need to get all high and mighty.
israelite 2
Right. We’ll just wait until after their mid-day Bingo and…
moses
NOW!
Both slink off, mumbling under their breath.
later
The Elders are now all gathered around Moses.
moses
The Lord spaketh to me and…
elder #1
(cupping his “good” ear)
Wha?
moses
I SAID, THE LORD SPAKETH TO ME AND…
Elder 1
Why’d He spank you? Whad’ya do?
moses
SPAKETH!
Elder 1
(Turning to talk to Elder 2)
Probably chasin’ that Egyptian skirt again. Whad’he expect God would do when He found out Moses was cavorting with Pharaoh’s princess?
elder 2
No, no, God TALKED to Moses.
elder 1
Before or after the spanking?
moses
…And God said unto me, if we obey His voice, and keep His covenant, we shall be treasured above all others.
elder 3
But you’ll still be number 1, right?
moses
What?
elder 3
As far as whom God treasures most. You’ll still be his favorite, right?
moses
Well, I…
elder 2
And Aaron will be second…
elder 3
Followed by his wife Zipporah…
elder 2
And then the children. God just loves snot-nosed children.
elder 3
Unless they’re first born of course.
elder 2
Oh, right.
moses
This is nonsense! God loves us all equally!
elder 3
Then why don’t you let me go up the mountain the next time to talk to Him?
elder 2
And let me hold that fancy staff of yours that turns into a snake.
elder 3
I’d like to ask Him why He’s making me walk all across His bloody creation with sciatica, and just what the hell He plans to do about it!
elder 2
I’ve picked up hundreds of sticks – throw ‘em on the ground – and nothin’. No snake. Not even a worm.
moses
I’m his chosen one, and that’s that. You can’t have my staff or talk directly with God.
elder 3
Sounds like we’re all “equal”, but some are more “equal” than others to me.
elder 2
(throwing a stick on the ground and watching it intently for any sign of change)
Dagnabbit!
elder 3
Did The Lord say anything else, oh equal but better than us one?
moses
No, no, don’t think so. Oh wait! He said, “All the earth is mine.”
elder 1
Wha’? Yael’s girth is fine?
elder 2
Does that mean we have to pay God rent?
moses
Rent?
elder 2
Yes, rent. You say He made a point of saying the earth is His. He wouldn’t bother to mention that unless he expected us to pay him rent.
moses
I don’t think he expects us to…
elder 1
Well of course Yael’s girth is fine! She’s pregnant you dumb sot.
elder 2
Cause I only have three sticks, a dead pigeon, and the clothes on my back.
moses
No, no, God doesn’t want your…
elder 2
Oh, I’ll pay your damned rent, but you can’t have my sticks!
(pulls the shirt off his back, wads it into a ball, and throws it at Moses)
There! Does he want my loin cloth too?
moses
(flustered, moving on)
And we will be a kingdom of priests and a holy nation!
elder 3
Everyone a priest? You mean the lot of us?
(Moses nods.)
elder 2
A nation of cold, naked priests you mean.
elder 3
I don’t think you’ve thought this through, man! If everyone’s a priest, well, that’s just anarchy! Each man will be sermonizing to the next, no one will do any real work.
moses
Um…
elder 3
Who will do the farming? Herd the cattle? Milk the goats? Wash the linens?
Elder 2
Won’t be any linens once Moses the Slumlord has collected ‘em all.
elder 3
The only thing Finkelstein is good for since he lost his tongue in the semi-annual scorpion eating contest is washing linens.
elder 2
And how will tithing work with everyone a priest, have you thought about that?
moses
(getting angry, raises his staff)
Dost thou question the word of God!?
elder 3
Well no, I guess not.
(whispers to Elder #2)
Saw what he did to those poor Egyptian bastards, don’t want any part of that!
(to Moses in a petulant, sing-song voice)
All that the Lord hath spoken we will do.
elder 2
He still can’t have my sticks!
Moses turns and walks up the mountain again. He pauses when a dead pigeon flies through the air and hits him in the back, but resumes his pilgrimage.
elder 3
(puts coins into a collection plate and passes it to Elder 2)
Now where’s he going?
elder 2
(takes the coins out, weighs the tithe in his hand for a second, then drops them all back onto the collection plate and passes it to Elder 1)
Dunno. Probably off to collect more rent.
(wraps his arms around his naked shoulders and shivers)
elder 1
Hope he gets another whoopin!
(looks at the coins, smiles a toothless grin, puts the coins in his pocket and throws the empty collection plate after Moses)
later – mountain top clearing
Moses addresses a pile of ash that used to be the burning bush.
moses
I conveyed thy message unto the Elders, O’ Lord.
god
Lo, I come unto thee in a thick cloud…
moses
Oh, you’re up there now!
God
…that the people may hear when I speak with thee, and believe thee for ever.
moses
Still not sure the Elders will hear you – you really have to speak up with that lot! Do clouds have better acoustics than burning bushes?
god
Go unto the people, and sanctify them to day and to morrow, and let them wash their clothes
moses
So you do want their linens as rent?
(he pulls out the wadded up shirt from Elder 2)
Here’s the first shirt.
(Stands awkwardly with arm extended until he realizes God isn’t going to take the offering. Tucks the wad back into his robes)
It is a bit dirty. I’ll have Finkelstein wash and fold it with the rest before bringing them all to you.
god
And be ready against the third day: for the third day the Lord will come down in the sight of all the people upon mount Sinai.
moses
Um, you do mean yourself, right O’ Lord? I just get a bit confused when you refer to yourself in the third person is all. Though it must be frightfully perplexing trying to sort out the Trinity. That’d be enough to make me swear off pronouns, I can tell you! By the way, when do we get to meet this son of yours?
cut to base of mountain, the israelites all gathered around moses
moses
Gather ye hither and pay heed!
israelite 1
Don’t you want just the Elders again?
moses
God no! I mean, ahem, this is for all children of Israel to hear!
israelite 2
(to Israelite 1)
Can’t say we didn’t warn him about the Elders!
moses
The Lord is coming to visit, and we hath but three days to prepare!
israelite 1
So does that mean we have tomorrow, the next day, and the day following that to prepare, and He will actually be visiting on the fourth day?
moses
Um, no, he will visit us the morning after tomorrow – the third day!
israelite 2
So really, we only have the rest of today and tomorrow to prepare? That’s hardly any time at all!
israelite 1
My wife requires at least a week to prepare for my mother-in-law. She won’t be happy about this!
israelite 2
What time is it anyway? He’s been up and down that bloody mountain twice already, it’s got to be getting late.
israelite 1
What exactly do we need to do to prepare?
moses
Sanctify yourselves.
israelite 1
For three days? Isn’t that a bit excessive?
israelite 2
Technically, it’s probably less than two days if you count the hours from this point until tomorrow as 24, and then add maybe another 16 hours or so until the actual visit, assuming the Lord still favors sunrise appearances.
israelite 1
I know we’re all priests now – one big happy, holy nation and all that…
Elder 2
(shouting unseen from the back of the crowd)
And naked!
israelite 1
…but sanctifying one another does get a bit boring after just a few hours.
israelite 2
I’m happy to sanctify myself.
All eyes in the crowd turn to him.
What? Don’t look at me like that! It’s not like you all haven’t done it too!
Shrugs and murmurs of embarrassed agreement.
moses
And all must wash your clothes!
Finkelstein lets out a tongue-less squeal of joy, clapping his hands and dancing from foot to foot.
Elder 2
(again unseen)
SLUMLORD!
Moses
Take heed! This also directly from the Lord, “go not up into the mount, or touch the border of it: whosoever toucheth the mount shall be surely put to death…”
israelite 1
(suddenly realizes he’s leaning against the mountain and leaps away)
Jesus Christ! That was close!
moses
“…There shall not a hand touch it, but he shall surely be stoned, or shot through; whether it be beast or man, it shall not live…”
israelite 2
So technically, I can touch it with my foot, but not my hand?
(tentatively kicks the mountain with his toe)
Elder 2
(voice only)
Is that what killed my pigeon?
israelite 1
I was just leaning against it with my backside – my hand never laid a finger on it!
moses
Just nobody touch the mountain! At all! With any body part!
israelite 2
If someone does touch it, can I be one of the stoners?
israelite 1
Oh, me too. I’m not sure what I’d use to shoot someone through with at this point. We exhausted our supply of arrows shooting at the wall of water we passed by when you parted the Red Sea.
israelite 2
Oh, that was so cool! Like shootin’ fish in a barrel!
moses
Wait until the trumpet soundeth long, then we can go up to the mount.
elder 1
(pushing through to the front of the crowd and cupping his “good” ear)
Wait until the strumpet does what before we mount?
Israelite 2
What’s he mean by long? Is a half-note considered long?
israelite 1
Hmm, not sure. Certainly I don’t consider anything less than a quarter-note long, but it really depends on the tempo.
israelite 2
You’d think he’d be a bit clearer given that the stakes are life and death after all.
israelite 1
A long note at a fast tempo might sound like a shorter note at a slow tempo, so it can be tricky.
israelite 2
Moses? Did God describe the tempo? Or time signature by any chance?
moses
Just be ready against the third day.
israelite 2
Which I think we’ve established is really less than 48 hours away.
israelite 1
Has anybody invented the metronome yet? That might come in handy in determining whether the trumpet sounds long or not.
israelite 2
No one has the time for invention now that everyone’s a priest.
israelite 1
Well, I’m holding out for at least a half-note Adagio or slower before I touch the mountain.
israelite 2
Good plan. Moses, was there anything else?
moses
Yes. “And come not at your wives!”
israelite 1
What?!? He can’t mean…
israelite 2
Oh, no, no, certainly not that! I think he just means that you can’t rush up and try to scare the bejesus out of your wife is all. Ya know, jump at them sudden like from the shadows and shout “boo!”.
israelite 1
Well, that sucketh. Given the only thing we have to do for the next three days is sanctify each other.
israelite 2
Or ourselves.
israelite 1
Um, sure. And Finkelstein won’t let anyone else near the laundry…
(cut to Finkelstein still clapping and giddy)
I was rather looking forward to scaring the Dickens out of my wife at least a few times. Although…
israelite 2
You’ve got that twinkle in your eye, what are you thinking?
israelite 1
Well, He said I can’t come at my wife, and you can’t come at your wife…
israelite 2
Oh, I think I see where this is headed. Go on, go on!
israelite 1
Who’s to say we can’t all come at the other man’s wife?
israelite 2
Brilliant! Criss-cross!
israelite 1
Exactly!
israelite 2
And while we’re at it, let’s have sex with all the other wives after we scare ‘em.
israelite 1
Don’t see why not. It’s not like there’s a commandment or anything against that.
israelite 2
Right!
third day - base of the mountain
And it came to pass on the third day in the morning, that there were thunders and lightnings, and a thick cloud upon the mount, and the voice of the trumpet exceeding loud; so that all the people that was in the camp trembled.
moses
People, people, come on! Come out and meet God! Don’t be shy, just come up to the mountain.
israelite 1
You mean the mountain that if we touch it with so much as a pinky we die a horrible stony death? I’m not fallin’ for that.
moses
Just go to the nether part of the mount and you’ll be fine.
israelite 2
Um, which one’s the nether part? Can’t tell the front-side from the back-side on some of these mountains.
israelite 1
Was that loud boom earlier supposed to be the long trumpet? I couldn’t tell for sure. Whatever it was, it was maybe a half-note Andante at best.
israelite 2
Too up-tempo to risk it.
israelite 1
Look! The whole mountain is smoking!
israelite 2
Is that fire?
israelite 1
Now the mountain is quaking!
israelite 2
Why, that’s a volcano!
Israelite 1
Run for it!!!
moses
Calm down, calm down, it’s not a volcano. It’s God!
israelite 1
Where? Behind the volcano?
israelite 2
What do you mean?
(ticking off on his fingers)
We have quaking, fire, smoke, loud noises…
moses
Trumpets!
israelite 2
…whatever. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck…
moses
Oh yeah? What about the lightning?
israelite 2
Actually, lightning during volcanic eruptions in the ash clouds is quite common, though the precise cause of this phenomenon is still hotly debated.
moses
It’s not a volcano!!!
israelite 1
Well, if it is God, I expected much more of a meet and greet. While exploding mountains are impressive, it’s not very personal. Or friendly.
israelite 2
And what was the point of having Finkelstein wash everyone’s clothes if we’re just going to get volcanic ash all over them?
Moses throws up his hands in frustration, turns and starts up the mountain. A flying loincloth hits him in the back.
elder 2
Don’t forget your rent, SLUMLORD!
mountain top
Moses cresting the top, out of breath.
god
Go down…
moses
What? I just got here!
god
…charge the people, lest they break through unto the Lord to gaze, and many perish. And let the priests also, which come near to the Lord, sanctify themselves, lest the Lord break forth upon them.
moses
(under his breath)
Jeez, it’s like dealing with the Elders!
(addressing God)
Lord, you already told me this! You had me set the boundaries around the mount, make everyone a priest, and they’ve been sanctifying themselves for three days. Well, maybe less than two days depending on how you figure it. There’s one overly-eager fellow who just can’t seem to stop sanctifying himself – he at least should leave it alone. But you said all this the last time I was here, remember?
god
(after a pregnant pause)
Away, get thee down, and thou shalt come up…
Moses
Oh come on!
god
…thou, and Aaron with thee…
moses
Listen, I know of this nice secluded glade just outside of camp. Very private, no slope, about a tenth the distance…
god
…but let not the priests and the people break through to come up unto the Lord, lest he…
moses
Yeah, yeah, “Lest He break forth upon them!” I know, I know.
An exhausted Moses turns and slumps back down the mountain.
“exodus 20”
Moses at the base of the mountain, addressing all Israelites.
moses
Gather about, for God hath spake these words to me…
Elder 1
I knew he’d get spanked again!
Moses: commandment 1
I am the Lord thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
israelite 1
I can live with that. I mean, he did pester Pharaoh into letting us go and all. Though why He allowed us to be enslaved in the first place is beyond me.
israelite 2
I didn’t even know there were other gods until now! Can they make volcanos too?
moses: commandment 2
Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth…
israelite 1
Okay, whoa! Point of clarification. My four year old niece likes finger-painting images of the stars and clouds in heaven. So that’s out now?
israelite 2
And my son likes digging up a large pile of worms, mushing them all together with mud and boogers and worse, and then sculpting the whole disgusting mess into exotic animals. What about that?
israelite 1
And I’m a bit confused about the water under the earth – I mean, wouldn’t that just drip right off?
moses: commandment 2
(continued)
Thou shalt not bow down theyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;
israelite 2
My first wife was the jealous type. Not a virtuous characteristic if you ask me.
israelite 1
What if, rather than hate God, we only feel a mild indifference towards Him – how many generations does that penalty run?
israelite 2
(using his fingers to count the generations)
So if someone doesn’t like Him, He punishes their children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and maybe great-great grandchildren?
israelite 1
I don’t even know my grandparents on my mother’s side at all, and none of my great, or great-great grandparents.
israelite 2
Yeah, how are we supposed to know if one of our father’s fathers pissed Him off?
israelite 1
Well, it seems obvious someone in your ancestry must have rubbed God the wrong way – just look at your son.
(cut to a disturbed boy sculpting a gooey pile of worms, mud, and worse into a surprisingly elegant giraffe)
israelite 2
(shaking his fist at the sky)
Curse you great-granddads!
(addressing Israelite 1)
Well, what about you? Your fathers must not have been in His good graces either; the Egyptians forced you to collect fresh steaming dung with nothing but your bare hands from the streets and fields.
israelite 1
That wasn’t my job! I was a brick layer!
israelite 2
Then why’d you collect the dung?
israelite 1
(shrugs)
Everyone needs a hobby.
moses: commandment 2
(continued)
And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.
israelite 1
So He only shows us mercy if we love Him, but punishes us up to four generations if we don’t?
israelite 2
I prefer a policy more oriented to ‘carrot’ than ‘stick’ personally. Wonder what those other gods I just learned exist today have to offer?
moses: commandment 3
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.
israelite 1
Even when you stub your toe?
israelite 2
Or miss with a hammer and pound your thumb accidently? Surely you can let fly a few divinely vain words under those circumstances?
israelite 1
What if we phrase it in the form of a prayer? You know, ask God to condemn the circumstance or object which brought about our pain?
israelite 2
I don’t follow?
israelite 1
Well, like this: God who art in heaven, please condemn this bloody hammer which slippethed and strucketh my thumb woefully; cast the offending hammer into an eternal fiery pit; and replace said nasty tool with a more balanced substitute less likely to woundeth me on the thumb!
israelite 2
I’d think that should be okay. Just shorten it up a bit.
israelite 1
Hmm. How about just: Goddamn it to hell!
israelite 2
That should do it.
moses: commandment 4
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
israelite 1
Now was that on Saturday or Sunday, I forget?
moses: commandment 4
(continued)
Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work…
israelite 2
(whining)
Siiix. Why can’t we work just five days and have a two day weekend?
israelite 1
With several holidays, sick days, and paternity leave so we can spend quality time with our children before they get old enough to realize it’s our fault that God cursed them, their children, their children’s children, et cetera.
moses: commandment 4
(continued)
But the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter…
israelite 2
He’s a lazy twit anyway – never helps out – just makes those Goddamn worm animals day in and day out.
israelite 1
Good interjection of the shortened condemnation prayer!
israelite 2
(to Israelite 1)
Thank you.
(to Moses)
That boy hardly needs an excuse to take another day off.
moses: Commandment 4
(continued)
…thy manservant, nor thy maidservant…
israelite 1
Who does he think we are? Immoral slave owners?
israelite 2
Wish I could afford a maidservant – then maybe I wouldn’t have to sanctify myself so often.
moses: commandment 4
(continued)
…nor thy cattle…
israelite 1
Now the cattle get a day off? Why not the pigs, or the goats?
israelite 2
The cattle unionized last month.
israelite 1
Oh.
moses: Commandment 4
(continued)
…nor thy stranger that is within thy gates…
israelite 1
Holy shit! Who let the stranger in!
israelite 2
(shrugging)
He had candy.
moses: commandment 4
(continued)
For in six days the Lord made the heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day, and hallowed it.
israelite 1
Wow, that’s a lot to accomplish in six days!
israelite 2
Those are metaphorical days, you idiot. Each day was actually an eon.
israelite 1
Oh yeah? And how long is an eon?
israelite 2
Approximately two and one-third billion years, making the universe approximately 14 billion years old, give or take.
israelite 1
Since days are eons, that must mean that the seventh “day” Sabbath lasts two and one-third billion years as well!
israelite 2
Um…
israelite 1
That being the case, consider me a retired priest! And consider by cattle – well my one cow – retired as well. No work on the Sabbath after all!
israelite 2
(exasperated)
No, no! Only the six creation days are eons. The day the Lord rested is only one actual twenty-four hour day.
israelite 1
Is seems to me you are rationalizing and reading a lot into this what is and isn’t an actual day thing just to force it to fit your belabored hypothesis.
israelite 2
Shut up.
israelite 1
I mean, if He’d have wanted to say it took him six units of roughly two and one-third billion years to make the heaven and earth, then rested for twenty-four hours, don’t you think the omniscient Lord has the precise vocabulary at his command to relay that message?
israelite 2
Shut up!
israelite 1
And I still want to know why the unionized cattle are the only ones that get to rest during the approximately two and one-third billion years Sabbath when the llamas and camels were unionized long before cows!
israelite 2
Do shut it!
moses: commandment 5
Honor thy father and thy mother…
Israelite 1
My father was a mean S.O.B. Beat me, abused my Mom, kicked the dog, and drank himself into oblivion every chance he got. He gambled, raped, lied, stole, and murdered… But now I honor him.
israelite 2
Hey Moses? That stranger that I let in, the one with all the candy, well he said, “If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.” Should we listen to that guy?
moses
What do you think?
israelite 2
That’s what I thought. Just checking.
moses: commandment 5
(continued)
…that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.
elder 3
So now He’s giving us back the earth?
elder 2
No more rent? I want my clothes back Slumlord!
elder 3
And can you be more specific concerning the “long” days? I’m only 32 and I’m already considered an Elder!
elder 2
My dead pigeon too!
moses: commandment 6
Thou shalt not kill.
israelite 1
D'oh!
israelite 2
What’s wrong?
israelite 1
Just yesterday I murdered by Auntie Ethel! Stuck a dagger right in her spleen.
israelite 2
What did you do that for?
israelite 1
Dunno really. She was just standing there sanctifying me, blocking my view of the sunset a little, and it just seemed like a good place to plant my dagger. Didn’t know there was going to be an actual Commandment against killing.
israelite 2
Well that just started today. Don’t fret, water under the bridge and all that.
israelite 1
I know, it’s just I rather liked Auntie Ethel. Wish I would have known about this don’t kill thing a bit sooner is all.
israelite 2
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
israelite 1
(nods solemnly. Then a mischievous grin crosses his face)
Especially when it comes to describing days versus eons.
israelite 2
Shut up about it, I’m warning you!
israelite 1
So Moses?
moses
Yes?
israelite 1
This means no killing at all? Going forward of course, not counting yesterday or before.
moses
That seems to be the message.
israelite 1
Well, what if a Jihadist has his fingers wrapped around your throat? Can you smite him before he smites you?
moses
It’s better if you just pull out your copy of the Commandments and point to “Thou shalt not kill”, thus convincing the Jihadist to release you. It’s all about changing hearts and minds.
israelite 1
Oh. So when do we get our copies?
moses
Well, first I need to have the Almighty write these things down – I’m just going on memory here at the moment. Maybe he can use stone tablets – his penmanship on parchment is rather difficult to read. As to when everyone will get paper copies, that’s up to Brother Jacob in the copy center.
Brother jacob
Hmmm? Oh, yes. I’ll try to include these Commandment thingies in the book I’m writing.
israelite 2
What’s your book called?
brother jacob
Oh, I just have a working title for now. I call it, “The Old Testament”. I’ll change it to something more catchy down the road.
israelite 1
Moses, what will you do with the stone tablets once God has written His commandments on them?
moses
Haven’t really given it much thought. Might put it in that ark over there, but that will mean Zipporah will have to take care not to lose it.
Zipporah
Oh, that’s a dig at me for losing the map to the promised land, isn’t it? Still can’t let it go, can you? If you’d swallow your male pride and just ask God for directions, we’d probably already be there by now. But at this rate we’re likely to wander the wilderness for 40 years before finding it! As for the ark, how do you suppose I can go about losing an entire ark? I mean really. Do you know how many manservants it takes just to lift that crate? And another thing…
moses
(shutting out his wife)
Any more questions about the not killing commandment before we move on?
israelite 1
Yeah, I’ve got one.
(Moses rolls his eyes)
See that peaceful, unsuspecting village down there? What if we all voted to elect Samuel here our leader, and Samuel said it was okay to take our cutlery and slay them all in the name of national security? Could we kill them all then?
moses
Certainly not!
samuel
What if I gave them all brand new uniforms?
Shocked gasps of excited approval from the crowd.
Finkelstein is giddy again at the prospect of doing more laundry.
moses
(sensing the mood of the crowd and fearful to go against it)
Well, I suppose if they all had uniforms.
Crowd: “Yay!”
Is there anything else?
Israelite 1
I think I’ve got the not killing part down now, but we can still mutilate, dismember, maim, disfigure, eye gouge, hobble…
Israelite 2
Waterboard.
israelite 1
…waterboard, and otherwise torture one another right? No commandment against all that is there?
moses: Commandment 7
Thou shalt not commit adultery.
israelite 1
Again, that’s going forward right? Prior adultery is grandfathered in?
israelite 2
I think you’ll have to repeat that more than once to Sharon over there.
(points his thumb at Sharon and snickers)
Sharon
Oh shut up. It’s not like you haven’t come at me your own self!
israelite 1
So come at your wife did mean that! Who knew? Well, at least we can still scare them any time we want.
israelite 2
(responding to Sharon)
Sure, every man here has come at you, but now we know it’s a sin to come at a married woman.
sharon
Is it such a sin even if me ‘usband Benny here don’t mind?
moses
Why wouldn’t it bother Benjamin knowing that you, um, well that you…
(lets the sentence hang, uncertain how to diplomatically state the obvious)
Sharon
Wha’? Why doesn’t it bother Benny that I’ve gotten to know all the men around camp in a “biblical way”?
(Moses nods)
Well, you see, Benny here is… how do I put this delicately? He’s a… “Scientologist”.
The crowd murmurs in sudden understanding.
Benny winks suggestively at Moses, who turns away uncomfortably.
israelite 1
So it’s something of a marriage of convenience then?
sharon
That’s right, a marriage of convenience! Surely there’s a loophole of some sort for that!
Moses scratches his head. Decides to move on.
moses: Commandment 8
Thou shalt not steal.
samuel
Excepting in cases where the state (me) shall force compulsory purchase of private property from legal owner (anybody else) under Eminent Domain law, or in cases where the state (again me) seizes the property of any citizen via civil forfeiture, without the burden of a criminal conviction. Those of course won’t be considered stealing, right?
moses
Um…
israelite 2
And can you please tell my wife it is stealing every time she snitches a sip of my soda or pilfers a French fry when I’m not looking? ‘Cause she does that quite a lot and I’d like her to burn in hell for at least a few days.
Moses
Well…
israelite 1
And what about copyright and patent infringement when the party of the first part is legitimately unaware of the party of the second part’s design, yet inadvertently “steals” protected intellectual property, finding out only post hoc that this infringement has unwittingly occurred?
moses: Commandment 9
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
israelite 1
What if my four year old niece calls my nephew a giant poopy head, even though there is no visible evidence of excrement on or about his normal-sized noggin? Will she still burn in hell for this?
israelite 2
And is it just immediate neighbors? What about the neighbors two doors down? Or the ones separated by a large back yard that we never speak to? Or what about this stranger who I let in because of his candy? Can we at least bear false witness against him since he’s clearly nobody’s neighbor?
moses
Uh…
israelite 1
And what if Brother Jacob is standing next to his wife and asks me if I think the new uniform Samuel gave her makes her look fat, do I bear false witness? Or do I tell her the truth and quickly point to the “Thou shalt not kill” bit in my copy of working title “Old Testament”?
moses: commandment 10
(hurrying now to get through it)
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife…
israelite 2
Excepting Sharon, right?
moses: commandment 10
(continued)
…nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor’s.
Sharon
(smacking her husband Benny)
I told you coveting thy neighbor’s ass would get us both into trouble!
FAde Out:
The End
